Innate in every woman old or young, Christian or Muslim, intelligent or Tea Party member, lies a complex need to be The Sampler Package in life – we want to be a lil of everything. Women want to be the mommy who kisses boo boos and the wife who rides Husband’s “boo boo.” We want to origami socks, shoot wheatgrass and be politically bad-ass like Angelina but likeable like Aniston. And in between all of those Gouda fantasies lie a dark, verboten desire we will admit to no one…..we want to be a Pole Dancer!
Every woman wants to sex The Pole. And if she tells you otherwise, bitch is lying. Be advised, however, there are two separate, unequal groups here: Pole Dancers and those I call Pole Humpers.
Pole Dancers range from 18 to Betty White but most are mommies who take classes at fitness studios in between Yoga and trips to Whole Foods. What you wear is up to you but no one shows up in their thong th-thong-thong-thong. PDancers claim they’re there to “get fit,” when in actuality they aim to out-twirl, out-climb and out-sex every other ho in their area code. These women aren’t your Private Dancer because they ain’t dancin’ fo your money, Fool! These ladies are sexing the pole because they want you to know they can get a rise outta you AND sneeze out two kids AND create deliciousness with just 5 minutes and salt.
By the way, you might wanna put away your one Benjamin rubber banded to a wad of dolla bills, Son. We’re on to you.
On the other hand, Pole Humpers are named Porsche or Mercedes or Melanoma and perform in strip clubs where a thong is mandatory and its removal auctioned to any bidder, really. PHumpers are always twenty-one and forever paying for tuition and if you’re a man, you really did just connect. They will gyrate and rub vanilla-scented glitter all over your Ed Hardy and make more money than you. You will say nothing clever or novel and yet still, they will eye-hump and coo and when they leave you to take the stage, you will be too Goosed to notice that Pole Humpers cannot, in fact, shag the pole.
Shocking but Wiki-leaks-true. Pole Dancers are athletic while Pole Humpers are strategic. It takes true runners limbs to climb the pole, Serena Williams’abs to keep you mounted and an Ironwoman’s will to invert. PHumpers don’t invest the months of falls, bruises, calluses, pole burn and dizziness to amass the kind of muscles and stamina needed to grease the pole. So instead, most club twirlers will endure vertigo and will want to vomit right after that performance they danced just for you. Physically, emotionally, morally…….
What Pole Humpers lack in technical skill however, they make up for in raunchy showmanship. Their trademark move is the always popular, grade A, class-say Booty Pop that causes a man’s dolla bills to hover over his pants like a Cobra to flute music. Like a body builder who can pop his pecs, a stripper worth her weight in breast implants can pop her booty from Shakira to the Star Spangled Banner.
Its difficult to find a PoleDancerHumper hybrid, so of you haven’t seen it – youtube it. Just do me favor and watch it without judging me. Aiight?
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